US jokes
Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.
(I love oil!)
What do you white people use as pronouns?
Crack/her.
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
9/11 is like genders.
There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.
Memes
Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?
He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.
What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.
The earth used to be flat.
Till they buried yo mama.
If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.
What is the difference between an orphan and a candle?
One is used.
Why can't Asian people use a telephone?
Because they might wing the wrong number.
Hey, 2nd Amendmenters! Wanna know what gun Jesus used during his time?
What?
A nail gun!
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
What is the best shield to use during a battle? The emo kid.
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body. But then I was born.
What does a Trump supporter use to load his/her AR-15?
A MAGAzine.
Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?
She was too used to grabbing the tip.