Ups jokes

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"

"Ok."

"What town did you grow up in?"

"Oral."

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

What's an emo's favorite game?

Limbo.

(If you don't understand the joke, go look up what Limbo is.)

What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”

What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”

What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.