Ups jokes

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What goes up but never past the digits 15?

A Make-A-Wish kid...

(Me) Hey bro, tell me a joke!

(My friend) Your mom. *Starts Laughing*

(Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him*

At this moment, he knew he fucked up.

Bro, if I die, I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of C4 at a furry convention.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I was trying to make a joke about fighting, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

What do you get when you beat up an autistic kid?

Mashed potatoes.

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.

He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?

'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

A chef named his chicken Richard and named a rooster Ballz. A guy walks up and asks the chef what he's cooking. He replies, "My dick and balls."

Hahaha. These eggs surely crack me up!

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

Roses are red,

Lilies are white,

One race ends up dead

And the other ends up bright.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!