Ups jokes

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.

What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”

What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”

What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

What's an emo's favorite game?

Limbo.

(If you don't understand the joke, go look up what Limbo is.)

"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"

"Ok."

"What town did you grow up in?"

"Oral."

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.