Ups

Ups jokes

Break up

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

Brother

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

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  • Slur

    I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

    Rapist

    The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

    Family

    A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

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  • Day

    One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

    Cannibal

    What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

    A cold shoulder.

    Woman

    Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

    Penis

    One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

    The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

    Survivor

    What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

    A Sandy Hooker

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  • Bag

    How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

    As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

    Bean

    Two baked beans traveled around Australia.

    They both ended up in Cairns.

    Number

    Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

    What would you rate this woman?

    A 7.

    Why?

    Because 7 ate 9!

    Adoption

    When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up, it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it.