Ups jokes
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"
What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.
You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?
Both end up getting cut.
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder.
Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Two baked beans traveled around Australia.
They both ended up in Cairns.
Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.
What would you rate this woman?
A 7.
Why?
Because 7 ate 9!
When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up, it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it.