Ups jokes

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.

What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you.

Thanks.

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

I did so much research that I got bone-tired from doing this, tibia honest. You probably didn't find that humerus. I got a skeleton of these puns. I guess I could learn a femur puns. I was wondering if the creators of this site could talus how they come up with puns or maybe give some advice? I'm only 14 years old.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.

"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"

"Ok."

"What town did you grow up in?"

"Oral."

What's an emo's favorite game?

Limbo.

(If you don't understand the joke, go look up what Limbo is.)

What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”

What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”

What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.