Ups jokes
Me: I'ma sign up to be a clown.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because my life is a joke. 😂
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
Where does bad light end up at?
In prism.
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
I used to look up to my mom, but now that I am 12, I look down on her.
Never give up, 'cause never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna desert you.
What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?
A period.
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
A B C D E F G.
Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!
I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"
What do Israel and Epstein have in common?
"Look at that, time to blow up some kids."
Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?
When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Stephen Hawking's family was cruel. He fell over and got told to man up and walk it off.
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.
One thing you can ask Mario:
"Can you jump up and down for me?"
What did the mustard say to the ketchup at the race?
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
So a woman walked into a bar. There was a man. She went up to him and said, "You're cute." He said, "Yeah, and you don't deserve equal rights."