Ups jokes

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

What goes up but never goes down?

My grades.

(I wish)

What is a terrorist's favorite song?

"Pumped Up Kicks."

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

I had sex, but ended up going "uuyaahh!"

Did you walk up Stephen Hawking's drive?

Don’t worry, he didn’t either.

The kid that died is cut in half, and you see the next trap. It looks like a giant pit that you have to jump over, and you clear it, but you feel something on your back, and you realize that there is a spike that comes up when you jump over. You see the other contestant jump over. You try to warn them to not step over because they would get stabbed, but they ignore you and then get hit by the spike. The next obstacle is a wall that slams on a wall. You wait until the wall closes, and you quickly run through. The next person runs through, and they get to live.

Sorry, this is small. This is also a part two.

Walk up to an adopted kid and ask this, "How's your biological parents? Are they well?"

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.

Roses are red,

Lilies are white,

One race ends up dead

And the other ends up bright.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"

"Shut up and pass me the mop."

2, 4, 6, 8, you're staying up too late.

2, 4, 6, 8, all I do is master bait.

Why are people so worked up about 9/11? They were just playing Jenga.

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

You're so ugly, your mother thought about setting you up for adoption.

Nostalgia hits you like a train.

It's so hard, you can even wake up.