Ups jokes

What is an old lady's favorite exercise?

Trying to get up from the soft couch.

Shup up, transparent hairline. Look like you got splashed by some clear soap.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?

Two Aussie.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

I talk about the girls in my math class simping over anime characters and making random ships as well as for Miraculous Ladybug children's show, whatever the show is called, but it's a kids show. 💀 Now they’re searching up pictures of Tom Holland laughing in their absolute weirdness.

I like Tom Holland, but these kids man, they like him like they’re in a relationship. They might as well start kissing and licking the screen. They’re probably writing fanfictions in their free time when they aren’t searching up kids show characters, anime characters, and Tom Holland pics on their SCHOOL CHROMEBOOK. Their only device choice was a school-provided laptop which is monitored by the school while they are writing fan fictions on Google Docs and searching up some weird Tom Holland stuff. Imagine how Tom Holland would feel if he found out that there are 11 year old girls searching up some weird stuff about him.

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

My penis is so polite. It stands up so girls can sit down.

What did one canyon say to the other?

You stay here, I'm gonna rise up on ahead.

So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Mommy, mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

CEO Intrepid entrepreneur born in 1964, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos.

Repeat, come on Jeffrey, you can do it, pave the way, put your back into it, tell us why, show us how, look at where you came from, look at you now.

Zuckerberg and Gates and Musk, they're the anchors, can make and sick it up there with drink their blood, come on Jeff get it! Dododoododododod

Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Ha ha! Get rickrolled!

Your hairline got pulled back. You look like you've been climbing Chris, and you got smacked up by Will Smith.

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”

“From my father,” said Johnny.

“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?

Shut up and keep sewing!

You may not like me, but you still look up to me.

You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.