Ups Jokes

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? -- The computer runs.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelves Year’s old, in the basement, and locked up

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says “hey dad! Whatcha doin?” His father says “I’m filling your moms tank” Johnny says, “oh yeah well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because th milk man filled her up this morning.”

friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys

Men wake up with a boner. Women wake up yawning. Coincidence?

Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks

What does a crippled person's legs and the twin towers have in common, they both went down and never came back up

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction".

A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."

Amber Heard’s Morning Routine

Wake Up Eat Breakfast Take a Shit Get Out of Bed

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next.