Ups jokes
When does a dyslexic person know when they've spelt their address wrong?
When it fails to turn up.
Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?
Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.
Mom: Can you hear them?
Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.
Mom: Why do you think that?
Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there's a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, "What was that all about?"
In Ukraine, there was a massive wake-up call by Russia. But for some, the results were the opposite.
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.
Do you know the teacher that went up in space? She had blew eyes. One blew this way and one blew that way.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
Farmer's Wife: Honey, where are the cows?
Farmer: Up in the mountains grazing.
Farmer's Wife: Why?
Farmer: I don't know, but the steaks have never been higher.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
Because he got fired!
Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
You should never suppress a fart. It travels up the spine high into the brain. That's where the shit ideas come from.
I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"
What animal jumps the highest?
An emo kid, some of them are still up there.
My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.
Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?
Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈
Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.
So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...
I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.
Why don't paralyzed people laugh?
They hate stand-up comedy.