Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Why are feminists jealous of men? because men don't have to stand up to piss
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
- Mommy, i want a bicycle !! - Shut up Sam! You've already have your wheelchair!
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
So I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said "Yes ma'am." She said "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said "Okay, thanks bitch."
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
did you fall from heaven? or did you fall from the cliff up there?
Why can't disabled people make jokes.
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy isn't it?
Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
They say I’ll mess up my insides, but I don’t have any.
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? -- The computer runs.
I like my women like I like my wine, twelves Year’s old, in the basement, and locked up
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill’s real name is Randy
