Ups

Ups jokes

Boy

    • What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

    When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

  • 1

    • Ruler

    • One day at school, little Johnny was not listening, so the teacher came up to him.

    Teacher: "At the end of this ruler is someone dumb."

    Little Johnny: "Miss, which end were you referring to?"

    Ups memes

    Background

    • "Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."

    Blowjob

    • If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

    Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

  • 2

    • Snake

    • A sister went to her brother's room and says,

    "I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

    "Yes, sis."

    "What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

    "My pet snake."

    "Can I pet it?"

    "Yes."

    He wakes up in a hospital.

    "What happened?"

    "Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

    "You dummy!"

    "Whaaat?"

  • 1

    • Parachute

    • There were 5 people on an airplane.

    1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

    The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

    "Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

    The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

    The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

    The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

    Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

    And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

    Wordplay

    • A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

    He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.

  • 0

    • Comedian

    • *walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

  • 2

    • Shower

    • Little Steven was scared to take a shower by himself, so he asked his mum to shower with him. She said ok just don’t look up. He looked up and said wow what are those. She said they are headlights. He looked under and stuck his finger in it and said oh what is that. She said that’s a Pu-pu-pu Bush!!

    The next day Steven’s mom wasn’t home so he asked his Papa can I shower with you? He said ok just don’t look up. Well Steven looked up and said WTH IS THAT? His dad said it’s a Snake. That night he asked his parents if he can sleep with them. They said ok Just don’t look under the covers. He grew bored then looked under and Screamed mom turn on the headlights There’s a snake in the bush.

  • 0