Ups jokes

Best pick up line EVER.

There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!

So you're offended by midget jokes? C'mon, grow up!

What do emos do when they meet up?

They hang out.

I wanted to put this up so I could say goodbye to everyone that I chatted with, like Gwen or MEG... So, yea, see you next year after Friday.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)

A small boy went up to a dog fountain? The more you. HAHA gorgeous ddollars of benjamin frnakus wghen hes wearing beakini bea at the beach hahaha.

What fell first, the feather or the depressed kid?

Q: The feather, the depressed kid is still up there.

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"

Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"

370HSSV 0773H wait, you're reading it upside down.

What did the math acorn say when it grew up?

"Gee-I'm-a-tree."

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?

He thinks she should stand up for herself.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

What does lmao launching missiles at orphanage mean?

I don't know, but it's messed up.

Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?

Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.

When did I wake up?

At the quack of dawn!