Ups jokes
My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.
If a midget walks up to you and tells you your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?
Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Mom: Shut up and keep licking.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"
In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, "Girl, are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb."
An emo girl walks up to a tree to give it a high five... the tree left her hanging.
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"