Ups jokes
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.