Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
Ups Jokes
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's pushing the Earth down.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
What's simultaneously up and down?
A retard on a plane.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
