Ups jokes

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.

When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.

The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.

Never trust a Justin, he is made up of atoms that make up everything.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.

Jacob Wheet, if you don't understand, look it up.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!

An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.

The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

Why do people shake cigarette boxes?

To wake up the cancer.

Why did the man walk into a bar?

Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!

What's Asian but has broken up with its girlfriend?

A dumpling.

This one time I said to a person that they are dry, then I was wet (ba dum tiss).

My bully said I have to shut up. I said, "Shut down" (ba dum tiss).

Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.