An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
What's simultaneously up and down?
A retard on a plane.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
I don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
