Ups jokes
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!
An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.
The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
Why do people shake cigarette boxes?
To wake up the cancer.
Why did the man walk into a bar?
Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!
What's Asian but has broken up with its girlfriend?
A dumpling.
This one time I said to a person that they are dry, then I was wet (ba dum tiss).
My bully said I have to shut up. I said, "Shut down" (ba dum tiss).
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.