Ups jokes
I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
Why did the booty break up with the fart?
It was just too much GASLIGHTING.
What do you call a booty that can sing?
A crack-up!
Wait, this is the category "dick." Sorry yours isn't long for yo mama to get fucked up.
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
What do you call a booty that tells jokes?
A crack-up!
Why did the chair file a restraining order?
The booty wouldn't stop cracking up!
Why don't booties get invited to parties?
They tend to CRACK people up!
What is a terrorist's favorite song?
"Pumped Up Kicks."
I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"
"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.
"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"
"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"
Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!
So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.
So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
What did the ass say to the joke?
"You crack me up!"
What did the rapper say to his BLENDER?
"Mix it up, yo!"
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.