Ups jokes

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Your mama is so nasty.

She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

You must be ice cream because I wanna lick you up.

Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.

Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.

Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉