Ups

Ups jokes

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My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.

When did “yo” mean Hello?

They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

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    • Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

    Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡

    I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.

    I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

    Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

    When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

    When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

    There are 4 people in a line. Three stand up and say "We are standing up for cancer," and then there's the one in the wheelchair.

    A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."

    "Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"

    Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"

    The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."

    "What the FU***** SH**"

    Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.

    A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”