Ups jokes
What's the difference between a suicide bomber and puberty?
Puberty waits for the blow up.
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
This is a Cuphead joke.
Why did the clown drive over the cup? Cuz he wanted to CRACK him up!
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
Roses are red, I reload fast...
I'm gonna pull up to your school, bitch you better run fast!
Why are feminists jealous of men?
Because men don't have to stand up to piss.
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied? Because they can never stand up for themselves.
I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.