Ups jokes
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
Roses are red, I reload fast...
I'm gonna pull up to your school, bitch you better run fast!
Why are feminists jealous of men?
Because men don't have to stand up to piss.
A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied? Because they can never stand up for themselves.
I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.
Why does the paper follow up with wine because it was junk? Do wrong, so wrong that you don’t even exist because nobody even eats it. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Haha ha ha! Haha ha haha ha ha! Ha hah hah hah ha!
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!
Yo mama is so fat, she got mixed up with Godzilla!
I prank called someone and I said, "Is there a Missis Wall there?" They said no. Is there a Mr. Wall there? They said no. Are there any Walls there? They said no. Then what's holding up your building?
How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.
A cop pulls over an old man.
The cop walks up to the old man and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
The old man said, "No."