New Ups Jokes - Page 59 - Worst Jokes Ever

If you give this a thumbs down, you're gay. If you give it a thumbs up, you're straight.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

I walk up to a kid. I ask where his parents are, and he started crying. Then I walked out of the orphanage.

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

No one shuts up about them.

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

This mute kid was getting made fun of. I told him to speak up for himself.

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

Omg, shut up guys!

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

What did the blender say to the orange juice?

"What the fuck are you, you are so fucking stupid, shut the fuck up."

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."