Uncle jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

Why are uncles like curries?

Because bad ones hurt your asshole.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

What did the police say to the ice cream freezer?

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

What's the most between my uncle and aunt?

My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

Billy got a bike and a soccer ball for his birthday from his uncle, but he was very upset. Why? Because he has no legs.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

Dear uncle, I want my condoms.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

Come on guys, this is nasty, he was my uncle, ffs :(