Uncle jokes

You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

My uncle was a priest.

He had a two-inch penis, but when it was in my ass, it felt like a torpedo.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because its uncles were all aunts!

Why do orphans have sex toys? Because the uncle isn't there.

Unless Israel wants to become Hell Aviv, it would put itself on a tight leash, delivered specially from Uncle Sam.

Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.

What's worse than ants in your pants?

Your uncle.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

In the French school, four sentences must be written. Fritz heard his mother say, "Close the door!"

Fritz went to his uncle and heard, "Yes, I'll put it there."

Then he came to his brother who said, "They call me Superman, hahaha!"

Finally, his sister looked at a photo and said, "Wow!"

The next day, the teacher said, "Okay, Fritz, it's your turn. Finish eating and take out the trash!" Fritz said, "Close the door!"

The teacher got angry and said, "I want to see the principal." Fritz replied, "Yes, my friend, I am leaving you."

The teacher asked, "I have forgotten your name, what is it?" Fritz said, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman! You're nothing!"

"Who do you think I am?" asked the teacher, who had become very angry. Fritz replied, "Wow!"

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My paternal uncle died three months ago."

"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My maternal uncle died two months ago."

"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My father died last month."

"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"

Some rules of childhood cricket:

1. Whose bat, his batting.

2. Mother called to go while fielding. Then the turn will not be missed.

3. If the Umpire's decision is not acceptable, the decision of the Spectator, Front Uncle, or Neighbor Aunt shall be final.

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

My uncle died on 9/11. Her last words were "Allahu Akbar."

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.