Two jokes

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liqueur cabinet.

The other day this duck came by the gas station. He asked the cashier, "Do you have any duck food here?"

The cashier said, "Hell naw, I got no damn duck food. This the gas station, not no damn swamp, and I ain't ya mama."

Then the duck asked him two more times, and then the cashier said, "For the last time, no, I don't have any duck food here for you, ok? If you ask me again, I will put you in the oven and deep-fry you like Kentucky Fried Chicken."

Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?

A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.

Two Asians walked into a strip club and they went to a cashier. They put in their names: her name was He Gay and his name was Shi A Ho.

It’s like I always tell my kids:

"Two in the pink, one in the stink."

A farm full of cows were bombed, and only two survived. All of the udders died.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."

How do you kill a little boy?

You throw him between two Catholic priests.

One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim, and they had no life jackets.

Doo Da suddenly started yelling, "I got one boys!" as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way too large for him to get onto the boat, and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da.

Upon arriving at her house, they did rock, paper, scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell, and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered, then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, "I've been trying to call Doo Da, and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, "We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we mourn Doo Da today."

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone. "Wing Wing Arrow!"

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

If we get this to 1000 dislikes, I will do TWO joking keggars on Halloween.

So what are you waiting for? Hit the button, idiot.

What do you call a white man sandwiched between two black men in a blue sleeping bag?

An Oreo.

What do 9-11 and a fighter have in common? They both have a one-two combo.