Two jokes

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?

A pillow fight.

What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There were two when we were kids, but now it’s a touchy subject.

What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.

Two's company, cheese a crowd!

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.

The Twin Towers ordered two pepperoni pizzas, but all they got was plane.

So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.

You know how there were like... two towers. I had so much fun playing Jenga in those planes! I WON!!!!!

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

There are two types of faces:

The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.

Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.

Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?

Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.

An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"

Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."