Two jokes

One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.

Two Asians walked into a strip club and they went to a cashier. They put in their names: her name was He Gay and his name was Shi A Ho.

Why were the people during 9/11 mad because they ordered pepperoni sandwiches, but they got two planes?

What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?

The nun gets pregNUNt.

One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.

Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.

The Twin Towers ordered two pepperoni pizzas, but all they got was plane.

What goes up and down and needs two people?

A seesaw.

You know how there were like... two towers. I had so much fun playing Jenga in those planes! I WON!!!!!

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?

Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.

There are two types of faces:

The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.

Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.

What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.

Two's company, cheese a crowd!

You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?

A pillow fight.

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.