A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."
The officer said, "There is no traffic."
The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"
Orphans have it lucky. When teachers threaten to call parents, the orhphans say, "Try me". When teacher's give homework, Orphans say, "Where?"
What's the hardest part about making vegetable stew? Trying to get the wheelchair to fit into the pot.
I photo bombed someones selfie and then they yelled "Why would you do that i was trying to take a family photo!"
Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,
he is my only motivation for trying again.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
Your dad went to get the milk, but he was actually trying to find his father. He wasn't there.
Bro, please block Kimberly Jones. She keeps trying to scam people.
Scientists are trying to find a cure for anorexics. It should be a piece of cake!
My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.
Well, I saw a stripper, and she was trying out bread.
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.
Why?
The ducks keep trying to eat him.
Why would they do that?
Because he’s pure-bread.
I’m enyaw and I fancy my PE teacher. She is called Kelly Pearce and I go to Beckfoot Oakbank. I always watch her because I am a creep. I live at school under the stairs, but I also try [to] follow her home, and if I'm unsuccessful I look her up on a dodgy website and go on Google maps and look at her door.
Did you try the digital egg padlock? Because it is very easy to crack the code.
"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."
The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/
