Trys jokes

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

What happens when an emo kid tries to high-five you? You leave him hanging.

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."

So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

Charli tries to roast me: Roses are red, violets are blue, and you look like poo.

Me: You must have been born on the highway because that's where most accidents happen.

What happens when a depressed kid try’s to high-five a tree?

The tree leaves them hanging.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

Okay, who the heck is watersharky? He just tries to "help" people, and he just posts stupid songs because he acts like he is depressed.

Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."