Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags „We have nuclear submarines which can stay under water for six weeks without having to resurface!“. Trump goes on „Six weeks? That’s nothing. I have the best submarines, they‘re underwater für at least three months!“. Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - „Heil Hitler! We need Diesel.“

Me: have you ever tried african food

You: no

Me: they haven’t either

you should never try afgani weed becuse people in afganistan get stoned to death

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? 7 when i tried

You know when women clean their nails with chemicals no one cares but when hitler tries to clean poland with chemicals everyone goes crazy

Commander: "Fire a warning shot" Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher" Commander: "potato, potato, just fire" Soldier: fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school Commander: “They’re trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!”

Place a man in a morgue, he’ll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he’ll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he’ll stay happy for a week.

So I thought about trying to eat a clock one day. After about 13 tries, I realised this was very time consuming

A three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat will be closed.

Stranger 3: how to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

Stranger 1: you can’t!

Stranger 2: you can

Stranger 3: how?

Stranger 2: by using the same idea of russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff but the difference that he can sleep and he will have a food for 30 days and toilet too.

Stranger 3: great idea, but who can we try first?

Stranger 1: you all gays are evil monsters

Stranger 2: i think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy let’s try this experi-

(the chat has been closed by stranger 1)

This one kid i knew had d............ and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? A pair of gloves! Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

The other day my wife said "take me someplace I have never been before, I said why don’t you try the kitchen! "

Me: John what did he do earlier

John: hold on, I’m trying to think

Me: I thought I smelled poop

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, “hey what’s that?” Lil Timmy looks down and says, “oh that, that’s only my little red race car.” They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, “hey what’s that?” Lil Susie looks down and says, “oh that, that’s only my little red race car garage.” They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, “hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage.”

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, “what’s wrong?” Lil Susie says, “well Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn’t fit so we cut them off.”

This guy tried to kill me and i asked “what is this? Friday the Thirteenth?” Michael replied “: nah, its Halloween”

I tried to make a belt out of watches. But it was a waist of time

why did sally get a black eye? Because she tried to play patty cake.

Here are some skeleton jokes
You know the average person tries to hard and works himself to the bone If that joke didn’t tickle your funny bone i can give you a real humerous joke I used to play the trumpet now i play the xylo-bone im always happy nothing gets under my skin I made you some turkey for lunch Bone appetit Im glad i had you im no longer bonely Ive got a skele-ton of more jokes but i’m just giving you one more Did you hear about the skeleton ninja he was very skullful (skillful)

My step bro thought I was single and tried to Take me but I said I’m take and guess what he did cried".
Why wwhy would u do that

I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn’t fit in the pot.