Try jokes

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.

One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."

Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"

What's the hardest part about being a paedophile?

Trying to fit in.

As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.

The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."

So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."

Once I tried to catch some fog.

I mist.

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

The emo kid tried to high five the tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.