A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler but missed. Then Adolf replied, “Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!”

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again I almost killed myself

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.

I’m not lazy, I’m just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don’t try to stop me. I’ve got a skele-ton of these!

why did sally get a black eye? Because she tried to play patty cake.

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself… #victoryroyale

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

how did steven Hawkins die? he tried to update to windows 10 and his hard drive corrupted

Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to kill myself. I responded, “Absolutely. A few times actually. I’m just not very good at it.”

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don’t know. I used too, but don’t anymore.

Person: why’d you stop?

Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I’d try something.

Stephen Hawkings just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Why did Helen Keller burn her hands? Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

Me: have you ever tried african food

You: no

Me: they haven’t either

Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with north korea

I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.

a little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks " whats that" the little boy says that’s my little red race car. 10 minutes later the boy looks down and ask’s whats that,the little girl says "that’s my little red race car garage. so later that night the boy ask’s the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage, She say yes and they pull down there pants and the boy try’s putting his little red race car in her garage but it won’t fit down stairs the mother hears an ear piercing scream and runs up stairs flips on the lights and see’s blood on the floor the mother ask’s "what happened the little girl say’s “we tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit so i cut the back wheels off”

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says “my brother has just been hit by a car.” The policeman replied with “OK then first I need to know your name.” “Shut up” “No, I need to know your name.” “Shut up.” “Excuse me but where are your manners.” “Round the corner picking up shit.”

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