Treatment jokes
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
A kid with hallucinations and cancer is on a Jeopardy game show.
"What's behind curtain #1... YOU HAVE WON..... CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
Angel: No. She didn’t twitch.
Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.
Angel: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.
Devil: She wants to scratch her face.
Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile...
Devil: How about a song?
Angel: Good idea!
Devil: How about... “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down....”🎶
Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!
Devil: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
Angel: Don’t be so mean!
Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”
Angel: Stop it!
Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
Angel: No, she didn’t.
Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
Angel: She didn’t screw anything up!
Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
Angel: That’s not how it works...
Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.
Angel: They know what they are doing!
Devil: ...And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
Angel: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this...
Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
Angel: Stop this right now!!
Devil: “Never going to give you up....🎶”
Angel: Stop!
Devil: “...never going let you down....🎶”
Angel: I’m not going to let you...
Devil: “Never going to give you up...🎶”
Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, I’m fine.....
Why couldn't the girl brush her hair?
..... She had cancer.... ;)
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
Cancer jokes really grow on you--unlike the patients' hair.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
Why did the tamale go to the hospital?
Tamalito.
What’s ten feet long and bald?
The conga line in the cancer ward.
Community talk
Im getting spoiled 🥺
Hypothetically. How would you react if I stopped talking anymore because hypothetically someone told me I was annoying as fuck.
Ive decied that im done. Im done letting men walk all over me, and use me. im done letting poeple just treat me like this. ive deiced that, im going to take my time with this, and not try to find someone, but be happy with myself. then maybe ill find a person who can treat me right and im done not being picky. i want to find seomoen who be there when my parents die, who will be there when i have my children, someone who can stay with me and walk me through life. im not going to settle for anything less. im done.