Worst Jokes Ever
I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
What makes sad people jump? Bridges.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
What joke do you tell an orphan?
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not your parents.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.
Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)
Boobless.
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you call a sophisticated American?
A Canadian.
My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?
Ohhh, an owner.
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What is Hitler's favorite book? "Hitler and the chamber of secrets."