Worst Jokes Ever

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.

What first went through Sally's mind when the Nazis came? - A bullet.

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?

Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.

Your forehead [is] so big that if I drew an H on it, Kobe could have landed there.

Which Roman emperor was a mouse? Julius Cheeser!

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

What's white and bloody?

Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"

So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

So I said, "Aquarius."

And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.