Worst Jokes Ever

Why does the nucleus feel trapped?

Because it’s inside a cell!

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

When you accidentally wipe a little too hard and your finger goes up your bumhole, triggering flashbacks of when you were 10 and your uncle stayed a few weeks. 😂

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

What did the cake say to the fork?

"Do you want a piece of me!!!"

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?

Because they’ve already lost 2 towers.

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.