Worst Jokes Ever
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?
Guardian of the confessional booth.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby, nailed to 10 trees.
What's the laziest mountain?
Mount Ever-rest.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon when they walked by each other on the street?
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts!