Worst Jokes Ever

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

Go commit neck rope.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.