Worst Jokes Ever

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)

A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.

The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.

The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

What do you call a pregnant slave? Buy one get one free.

People claim that Trump has Russian ties.

FAKE NEWS!

All of Trump's ties are made in China.

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.

Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...

My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!

What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?

... A FLATLINE!

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

I heard some twin brothers were going as buildings to the school costume contest, so I went as a plane. It didn't fly too well with people.

What do you call a disabled kid with a gun?

Special forces.

Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍

What do depressed people and Apple's have in common?

They both hang from trees.

Brojobs are like air. It's not important until you don't have any.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.