Worst Jokes Ever

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... oh wait.

What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.

What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.

"What happened to your arm?" "Oh, uh... I became a gacha emo."

People are pushing for a new black Lady Liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again.

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."

How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized it was a waste of time!

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.