Worst Jokes Ever

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

So I said, "Aquarius."

And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

Your forehead [is] so big that if I drew an H on it, Kobe could have landed there.

Which Roman emperor was a mouse? Julius Cheeser!

What is Hitler's favorite book? "Hitler and the chamber of secrets."

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?

Craven Morehead.

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.