Worst Jokes Ever

Where did the software developer go?

I don’t know, he ransomware!

Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

The sexual shout "Yes Daddy" probably originated in Alabama.

Bully: "I bet your dick is so small when you look down in the shower you can't even see it."

Guy: "No, I see your sister's head."

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

A little girl being Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do, child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But, Father, he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

One night, a girl said to her family, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." The next morning, her grandpa died. That night, she said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodbye Grandma." The next morning, the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night, the girl said, "Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy." The next morning, the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine, but when he went into the kitchen, he saw his wife crying. When he asked her what's wrong, she said, "The mailman died."

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

I saw two men wearing the same clothing and walking together, so I asked both of them if they were gay. They did not hesitate arresting me after I said that.

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.

People are pushing for a new black Lady Liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

Tell a dark joke to an orphan, then hit them. They'll get the punchline right away.

What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?

Little boys' pants half off.