Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
Why can't orphans eat a large bag of chips? Because they're family size.
What do girls and rocks have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
We really should erect a statue of the guy who killed Hitler.
I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?
They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.
Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!
Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!
Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!
Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?
Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.
Why do orphans have water in their cereal?
Because their dad never came home with the milk.
like this if you don't like school.
I saw this little girl crying. I asked her where her parents were. She cried more, man, I love working at an orphanage.
What's harder than steel? Joe Biden at a playground.
ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.
Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.
