Worst Jokes Ever

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

What does the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going inside."

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Why can't two Chinese people have a white kid?

Two wongs don't make a white.

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

Every culture has weird food.

Australians eat vegemite. The British eat haggis. The French eat snails. The Chinese eat dogs. The Americans eat their young siblings' private parts.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

Why can't orphans eat a large bag of chips? Because they're family size.

What do girls and rocks have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

We really should erect a statue of the guy who killed Hitler.

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.