Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
Q: How did the skeleton know it would rain? A: He read the weather forecast.
Why can’t the orphan play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
2 weeks here.
What do dicks and popsicles have in common?
They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”
The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”
So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”
When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”
The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
What’s missing from an orphan's iPad?
The home button.
Trees are just bushes with lift kits.
Why You should never poop on the floor in an Apple Store?
Because they don't have Windows. 🤢 🤣
A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”
I played Kobe Bryant on 2k14, but my console somehow kept crashing.
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
What's a cannibal's favorite place?
A day care.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
