Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
A friend of mine loves to play Roulette, so I decided to introduce him to Russian Roulette. It blew his mind.
I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I purely drink for evil.
Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."
A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮
B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
It has been rumored that Disney is developing a movie based on suicide. The title?
Finding Emo.
What do you call Hitler in a pool? Adolfin.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
The toaster;
otherwise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.
Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?
Other person: Yes.
Sorry, I'm still working on it! 😅
What is the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You need to drop the bomb twice on her before she gets it.
There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.
Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.
So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.
20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.
Astronauts just found water on Mars! Mars: 1. Africa: 0.
KFC proudly presents the kid fryer meal where our fillets are made out of kids. 😎 1 like = more kids in our fryer.
1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.
I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.
