Worst Jokes Ever
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs ;)
What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
It's statistically proven that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
what do you call 6 gay men in WWII?
Rainbow Six Siege.
I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.
Why can't a Muslim woman give head to an American cop?
She doesn't eat pigs.
What's the difference between a sack of dead babies and a Mercedes?
I don’t have a Mercedes.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What show does an orphan hate?
Family Guy.
What's a pedophile's favorite type of garden?
A kindergarden.
When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.