When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"
Having homosexual parents must be terrible.
Either you have a double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in a cycle of "go ask your mom".
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.
The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.
What is Wacko Jacko's favorite David Bowie song?
"Boys Keep Swinging."
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Why buy a pregnant slave over a normal slave? Buy 1 get 1 free. 😂😂😂😂
Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?
They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.
Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call daddy.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An envelope.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
