Worst Jokes Ever

What’s one good thing about pedophiles?

They drive slow in school zones.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Astronauts just found water on Mars! Mars: 1. Africa: 0.

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.

What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?

Only one is wanted.

Call me an escalator because I let people down.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

The Windows XP log out sound.

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child.

9/11 and Jenga are the same.

It's a controlled demolition.

If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian.