I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.
What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?
Only one is wanted.
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
9/11 and Jenga are the same.
It's a controlled demolition.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
What do you call an athlete who injured 75% of his spine?
A quarterback.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
What can an Olympic runner do that Hitler can't?
Finish a race.
