Worst Jokes Ever

Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.

I won't reply to every joke today because I want to say thanks to everyone for making funny jokes here. Every time I have a bad day (almost everyday), I always go here and read relatable jokes. It makes me happy and it's making me less anxious. I am really stressed with my school work and everything; I feel that I'm being left alone. Everyone compares me to others and all I can do is listen. I don't get enough sleep because of it... Reading these jokes entertains me and makes me laugh so hard.

I apologize for my grammar.

All these jokes are so offensive, Mr. Hawking just won’t stand for it.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.

What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

Why can't blind people eat fish?

Because it's sea food.

I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.

The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.

Broccoli is like anal sex.

If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

An emo girl walks up to a tree to give it a high five... the tree left her hanging.

A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

April Fools' joke: Go to an orphanage and say your parents came back.

Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.

Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?

Richard: No, I couldn't.

Richard's mom: Why?

Richard: Because he was cute.

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"