Worst Jokes Ever

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.

One day, a priest and a nun went to play golf together.

In the first shot, the priest missed his shot and said, "Fuck, I missed it!"

The nun replied, "Hey, you should not curse."

In the second shot, the priest missed his shot again and said, "Fuck, I missed again!"

The nun replied, "Hey, stop swearing, or else God will punish you."

In the next shot, the priest missed once again. He shouted, "Fuck this, this game is bullshit!"

The nun replied, "Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime now."

Suddenly, a thunderbolt struck the nun and killed her. The clouds separated from the sky, and there was a voice in the sky saying, "Oh, fuck, I missed!"

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp!

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

What kind of dreams do hotels have?

Suite dreams.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.

What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?

They both have no way home!

Why do horses eat with their mouth open?

Because they have bad stable manners.

Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.