Worst Jokes Ever
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
What's the only part of a vegetable you cannot eat?
Wheelchair.
Depression hits harder than my dad.
Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.