Worst Jokes Ever

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?

Son: A ugly girl.

Dad: Why not a pretty girl?

Son: A pretty one might run away.

Dad: So an ugly one might too.

Son: Yeah, but who cares?

Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

Do you want to play Titanic?

When I say iceberg, you go down on me.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

I feel bad for the people who died in 2001. Those poor terrorists died doing their job.

Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

What do you call an emo filming their suicide?

America's Funniest Home Videos.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mom isn't here because she doesn't love you.

What has 4 wheels, 2 legs, and loves his shoulder?

Stephen Hawking.

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs too much!

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."