Worst Jokes Ever

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

I saw two blind men fighting at the mall. I yelled, "He has a gun!" They both ran.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

The fourth month (symbolizing 41%) on the first day, transgenders mourn for the trans suicides.

That day is called "April Fool's."

Your hairline is so far back it looks like it's been slapped up by Will Smith.

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his first boyfriend?

Your hairline design was used as the Batman logo!

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me what you did?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

Why do orphans go to church?

Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.

When you're in the middle of a test and you hear gun shots.

The bands Def Leppard and Blind Melon did a collaboration.

They called the song “Helen Keller.”

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD.

One twin tower had a girlfriend. The other twin tower had the same girlfriend, so they both went down.

What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.

Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.

* Sans at Sans' favorite restaurant* Sans: Hey, Frisk, what do you eat today?

Frisk: One knife, plz.

Sans: Ok, one knife, plz.

Waiter: You eat a knife?

Frisk: Yes.

*Waiter asking for one knife*

Waiter: Here you go.

Frisk: Thanks you.