British jokes
Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:
"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.
Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
Brits don't exist. Mummies can't have kids.
What do you call a white man farting? "British Gas."
An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.
The man says, "Will you move your dog?"
The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.
The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
America: Saying, "I beg your pardon" in British English is like saying; "What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?"
UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.
America: Oh, I'm SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the British bastard and get the egg roll.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
In British chess I guess they play without a queen...
But in American chess they play without 2 towers.
Why can't British people play chess?
Because they lost their queen.
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!