British jokes
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.
What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:
"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.
Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
In British chess I guess they play without a queen...
But in American chess they play without 2 towers.
Why can't British people play chess?
Because they lost their queen.
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
BLM British Lives Matter.
In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.
Americans when they think they have the best offensive British jokes: "we threw your tea in the ocean." 💀
British people making offensive jokes about America: "our towers didn’t explode."😎
Asians love it when a British person says "Rice!"
British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment.
Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could.
Why should you keep English gay activists away from neo-nazis?
British cigarettes get smoked easily.
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...