British jokes
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:
"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.
Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
What does a British cannibal's favorite meal?
Fish and chaps.
The British Society of Psychics' annual convention had to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances!
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, they have a British accent.
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
In British chess I guess they play without a queen...
But in American chess they play without 2 towers.
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
America: Saying, "I beg your pardon" in British English is like saying; "What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?"
UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.
America: Oh, I'm SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖
An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.
The man says, "Will you move your dog?"
The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.
The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
What do you call a white man farting? "British Gas."
Why can't British people play chess?
Because they lost their queen.