British Jokes

Marriage

Anonymous
·

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

1

Shooting

Anonymous
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An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps" etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted "they're schools, not shooting ranges".

Difference

Anonymous
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What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

1

Lost

Anonymous
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Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.

Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.

7

Party

Anonymous
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next time u see a Brit, go up to them and say:

Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston'

Communist

Communist boi
·

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually

2

Country

Anonymous
·

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary: Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down.

4

Flat

Paladin
·

The American salute start's with your hand being facing flat towards the ground on your head. The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American Salute. The French salute starts your hands in the air. The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

War

Anonymous
·

How did the British lose the war of 1812

They were out Britshed

September 11

L Bozo
·

In British chess I guess they play without a queen...

But in American chess they play without 2 towers

Adult

Anonymous
·

BLM British Lives Matter

Sally

Anonymous
·

British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment. Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could

Emo

Anonymous
·

british emo people b like oi i’m upset

Russia

Omnom
·

Americans: we drive on the right side of the road

The British: we drive on the left side of the road

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD *crashing noises follow*

Queen

L Bozo
·

I guess in British chess they play without a queen...

But in American chess they play without two towers

Band

Anonymous
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Only one band is capable of affording the insurance on supercars. UB40!

Psychic

Anonymous
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I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster. —Shane Richie, British actor

Gas

Anonymous
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What do you call a white man farting? "British Gas"