Worst Jokes Ever
What did the bull say to his son when he was going to school? "Bison!"
Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."
What is the chemical formula for a banana? BaNa2
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
What movie do atheists watch for Christmas?
"Coincidence on 34th Street."
Two men were bartering over a marble slab. A lot of counter-offers were made.
What do you call a magic owl?
HOOdini
Life as an elevator has its ups and downs.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.
Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid), what comes after X?
The quiet kid: Splosion.
Teacher: What comes after A?
The quiet kid: AK-47.
Teacher: Faints.
My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?
What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?
They are both twisted.
I bought an orphan kid an iPhone.
Guess what? It had no home button.
What's the toughest stain to wash off a little boy's underpants?
Michael Jackson's lipstick.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite song?
"Touch Me (I Want Your Body)."
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.