Worst Jokes Ever

I'm a big fan of white boards. I find them... Remarkable.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."

Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

Friend 2: Pizza.

Friend 3: Donuts.

Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

Friend 2: (Calling the parents)

What is a pig crossed with a pineapple?

A porkypine!

Roses are red. The sun isn't shining. My mental state is rapidly declining.

Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."

What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?

I don't have $1 million in my wallet.

One day, an orphan bought a boomerang. He threw it, and it didn’t come back.

I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as you like. They can’t change anything.

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

because they'll never make it home.

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in.

What's the difference between an onion and a baby?

One makes you cry when you cut it up.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"

Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

Knock knock. Who's there? Crippling depression. Crippling depression who? Me.

What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?

- A VEGUN.