Worst Jokes Ever
What is a pirate's favorite element?
Argon.
Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.
James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
Why was JFK stupid? He only had half a brain.
I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.
[god creating alligators]
God: See that log?
Angel: Yes...?
God: Now fill it with teeth.
Angel: Say again?
God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!
Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank!
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.
I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."
Me: What did one toilet say to the other?
You: What?
Me: You look flushed!
How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."
What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.