Worst Jokes Ever
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
Rock, paper, lesbians.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
Want to hear a joke about milk? No, it's too cheesy.
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?
Their parents never say yes.
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!
What was the one test Stephen Hawking couldn't pass? The beep test.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What's a child abuser's favorite song?
"Just Beat It!"
Friend: How dark IS your humor?
Me: It started an organization against cops.
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?
A selfie.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Q: What was Hellen Keller's favorite game as a kid?
A: Musical chairs.