Worst Jokes Ever
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?
Because every time they scan, it scans twice.
Your mama's so fat, scientists found a new planet called Heranus.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."
If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
What does BLM stand for?
Bisexual Lives Matter.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?
A: The homepage.
If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.