Worst Jokes Ever

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.

What's harder than steel? Michael Jackson at a playground.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?

A: They tend to crash and burn.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

I am glass! People see right through me.

What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?

You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.