Worst Jokes Ever

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.

What’s the hardest thing about being a rapist? Fitting in.

Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright.

Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.

Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.

How to tell your kid he's adopted:

Son, I'm a virgin.

What's similar between a priest and McDonald's?

They both shove their meat in between 10 year old buns.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

Have you heard of the current event in Africa? It’s called the Hunger Games.

What does my head and hell have in common?

They both have demons in them.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn't see that well.

Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on a 5-year-old's face.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.

Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"