Worst Jokes Ever

I like Fortnite.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

The other day, me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts. I was wearing a black top; she was wearing a stripy top. We were arguing about who was more creative when she asked me to prove that I am. I just said, "You buy your stripes, I make mine."

I don't struggle with self-harm, I do it everyday.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

How do you get your grass to cut itself?

Make it depressed.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

- Mommy, I want a bicycle!

- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!

What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."

What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?

Cocaine.

Your hairline is like the universe, still waiting to be discovered.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."

"White people can't jump"...

"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."