Worst Jokes Ever

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

Tongue Trick Sex: The Movie.

Not coming soon!

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

What did the purple grape say to the green grape? "Breathe, you idiot, breathe!"

Get it?

Why was the duck fired from the train station?

He was a bad conducktor!

A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

I don't know, my friend did it.

Spell IHOP, then say "ness."

Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?

That depressed kid in class: Dead.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

Because they thought they saw their parents. (Plot twist: the orphan got ran over.)

Why do orphans hate cricket?

Because they can't get a "homerun."

If you ever get cold, just go to a corner because they're usually 90 degrees.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.

Does it cycle now? 🚲

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

Why can't orphans steal bases?

Because they can't find home.

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

I know how unicorns make babies. The dad puts his horn in the girl's butt hole.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?

Put them in a barking lot!

What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?

Matt!