Told jokes

My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?

He was told to high-jack it.

Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.

What's the most annoying thing in the world?

When you're told you're still qualified to live.

My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

A bully told an orphan to cry to his parents, so he did.

His adoptive parents were very supportive about the situation, and everything was settled. He died in an accident a day later.

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

My mom wanted me to brush my hair.

And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

I told you ten puns to make you laugh, and I do not pun in-ten-did.

I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.

Her pants were on fire.

So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!